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1 year anniversary

Hello blog, it’s been a long while, mostly because I didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to post, partially because I got lazy…


Silly face

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of our beloved dog’s passing. How vividly I remember that day… I had just left for Toronto the day before for a friend’s wedding – somewhat reluctantly as I knew he didn’t have much time left and I wanted to squeeze out every last minute with him. My parents had waited a day to let me know as they knew I was at a wedding and they didn’t want to ruin it for me. Even still, perhaps forgetting that I would be at the wedding reception that night, I received a text from my dad with a brief message that he had passed (seriously Dad, a text?!). I was standing in the foyer having cocktails and chatting with friends prior to the start of the banquet. I remember feeling stunned, staring in disbelief at the message. I grabbed Jon’s shoulder, pulled him away from our friends and silently showed him the text. He asked if I was ok, I think I shook my head (this was kind of a blur as my mind processed the news) and headed into the ladies restroom. Mercifully there was no one in there so I could let out the tears. I couldn’t believe he had passed so quickly given how well he was doing prior to my departure. I even had high hopes to see him 2 weeks later when I returned home. I can’t remember how long I stayed in there, but I knew I had to return to the party, and thankfully my makeup was salvageable. Looking at pictures people took of me that night, the big smiles, laughing face, you’d never think I’d just received news of my beloved dog’s death that same night. But I didn’t want to take the attention away from my friends’ celebration so I didn’t tell anyone besides Jon until a few days later. Being in Toronto surround by good company and good grub helped ease those first 2 weeks, although when I returned home it was a huge shock because not only was he not there to greet me at the door, Mom had removed all the carpets and runners in the house to clean them so it was a doubly bare and empty house, almost foreign. I was shell-shocked for a good few weeks after coming home.

[Sidenote: Why do people always ask “Are you ok?” when you are clearly grieving and obviously not ok? There has got to be a better sympathy question out there.]

You looooovedddd scratches behind the ears.

You looooovedddd scratches behind the ears.

In the year since, the pain has diminished to a dull throb that sometimes surfaces into a sharp ache when I look through pictures and videos of him or think of our memories (he’s also been my phone wallpaper the whole time).  It’s interesting to see responses to this from the people around me. Those who have never owned a dog usually say some general sympathy phrase and move on to brighter topics of conversation. I always get the feeling that they classify pet-loss grief as less acute/hard than grief at the loss of a human (of course this is never verbalized but it’s fairly obvious from their responses).  But those who have experienced the loss of a dog or other furry, interactive pet… they understand it’s the loss of a family member and the grief continues for a long time, years even. It’s a comfort to know I’m not alone, and yet isolating because my family seems to have been able to move on quite quickly. I believe it’s because they had closure – my parents were there when he died whereas I just got the news and didn’t witness it. They gave his body to the vet for general cremation (too pricey to do a private cremation, and what good are ashes anyway) and didn’t even think to take one last photo of him, or keep a tuft of his soft fur. I sometimes dream of him, of holding him in my arms and burying my face in his fur. It’s always very realistic – I can practically feel his fur and hear his happy sounds and I always wake up with such a deep longing to see him I don’t know what to do with myself.  My aunt, who has owned 3 generations of dogs on their acreage, told me that the best way to “get over” the death of a dog is to get another one, but my parents are adamant against it as they are getting “too old to run after a puppy”. They won’t even let me get a smaller furry pet, e.g. a bunny, because of the mess. Once I move out of my parents’ house, I will most certainly be getting not one, but two dogs (1 big, 1 small/medium sized). Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll ever be able to own a Pomeranian again – I would perpetually compare it to my first and best. Something to look forward to…

I nearly forgot about this anniversary as I have just upgraded to a new phone and have been kept well occupied exploring and setting it up (also helped to spend a good chunk of the day with my ladies small group). I don’t think I’ll put a picture of him as my wallpaper on this new phone… I think… I’m ready to try moving on. Never forgetting, but perhaps one day I’ll finally be able to think of him without tearing up.


[click for larger photo]


One thought on “1 year anniversary

  1. Hugs.

    Posted by fobana | October 23, 2014, 1:05 pm

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